Monday, August 22, 2011

Ten Things Movie Theater Employees Are Thinking

10. We're minimum wage workers. We don't get paid overtime, we have to work on holidays because of you, we have no benefits. Minimum wage earners generally do a minimum wage job. We don't get paid enough to deal with your s###, so we probably won't.

9. Half the people who work at your theater are teenagers. Many of them have never had a job before. It's a part time job for a high school kid. Ease up on them. If you have to wait an extra minute for them to check with someone about a question you have or how to do something on the register, simmer down. For crying out loud, they're not your brain surgeon... it's a movie, your life isn't at stake. And if you treat us like idiots? That's exactly the kind of service you'll get.

8. NO, there is NOT a scene at the end of the movie, just GET OUT ALREADY! You may want to stay till the end of the credits, but we can't start cleaning up your mess till you leave and there's already a line of people down the hall wanting to come in for the next show so just LEAVE! You're not an avid fan to us, you're a freakishly exasperating customer!

7. Your popcorn isn't hot enough? Well guess what. My shift isn't short enough, my break isn't soon enough, my pay isn't good enough, and I'm having a really hard time feeling sorry for you right now.

6. Getting a mini Diet Coke doesn't actually balance out the fact that you got a double jumbo size popcorn that's drowned in butter and salt. It's still cheating on your diet and it's not going to slim you down at all.

5. There's this little thing on the back of the toilet that makes it flush. Learn how to use it.

4. If your kid isn't even teething yet, leave them home. If your kid can't sit down for two minutes without making a sound, let alone two hours, leave them home. If your kid isn't potty trained, leave them home. If your kid thinks popcorn is confetti, for the love of God, leave them home. And if your excuse is that you can't afford a babysitter? Um... how are you affording to come to the movies?

3. That thing about not using cell phones in the theater? We mean it. That thing about shutting up and letting everyone else enjoy the movie? We mean it. That thing about not fornicating in the back row? We mean it. Think we don't have the authority to kick you out? Think again. It'll probably the most interesting thing that happens all day, so we won't hesitate.

2. If you're the sort of customer who has a hissy fit about something stupid, then threatens to leave and never come back... that's not a threat. We're actually HOPING for that. Please, by all means, leave!!! I'll get the door for you!


Monday, August 15, 2011

The Hardest Part About Blogging... coming up with what to call the darn thing!

And once you DO have a sensational idea, a perfectly original notion that is unique to you and everything about you that just SCREAMS "THIS IS WHO I AM"....

...someone has already thought up the same daggum idea, wouldn't you know?

I find the same problem trying to get a user name on online game sites.

Maybe the hardest part about blogging is getting started. What should the first post be about? An introduction? I always hated doing those. I think reducing your life to a couple paragraphs in size 12 Times New Roman is a rather depressing and frankly daunting task. I can't even fill an About Me section with anything that sounds remotely coherent and abbreviated enough to give you a good sense of anything about me.

Instead, I've reduced my entire philosophy and outlook on life into one key idea to remember:

Life is short. Have a cookie.

Kinda catchy, right? Or not so much? Still, it tells you more about me than "I am a such and such age person living in such and such place and I like to do such and such because it is so much fun and oh dear I have run out of room." Cause honestly, if you're going to have a place for me to introduce all my key ideals and values and notions and then tell me I have to do it in 1200 characters or less, prepare to be underwhelmed.

Incidentally, that's also the name of my blog. I like cookies.

Maybe the hardest part about blogging is staying on task...

Maybe the hardest part about blogging is reaching an audience that even cares about what you have to say. I'm not particularly bothered by this... people will read this or they won't; they'll care or they won't; they'll enjoy it or they won't. Some will wonder why I don't take it more seriously. You want serious? Read the New York Times or something. But save me the crossword. I like the crossword...

Maybe the hardest part about blogging is remembering that I have one and actually writing anything in it. Don't expect tons of updates every day. Or every week. Hey, I'm in grad school... I have important things to do, like studying kinetics and eating ramen and wishing I had a life.

But I still say the hardest part was coming up with a name. Thank God kids don't come with the same limitation... can you imagine that? "I'm sorry, but that name is already in use." Of course it's in use, dummy! There's seven billion people on this planet!

That's a lot of user names.